Seating divorced or separated parents at a wedding

If your parents are separated, the seating plan can feel like the part of the wedding most likely to cause a row. It doesn't have to. The aim is simple: every parent should feel honoured, and nobody should spend the meal next to someone they'd rather avoid.

Start with a conversation

Before you draw anything, talk to each parent. You'll learn more in five minutes than from any etiquette guide:

• Are they happy to be on the same table as each other?
• Will they bring a new partner, and how will the other parent feel about that?
• Is there anyone else they'd rather not sit near?

Some separated parents get on fine and would happily sit together. Others would find it hard. Ask rather than assume either way, and make it clear the decision is about the day going well, not about choosing sides.

Option 1: everyone on the top table

If your parents are on good terms, the traditional top table still works. Put them at opposite ends of the table rather than side by side, each next to someone from the other family, as the traditional order does. New partners usually sit next to the parent they came with.

This is simplest when everyone gets on, and it can be the most generous option. It's also the one that goes wrong most publicly if they don't.

Option 2: parents host their own tables

Instead of a top table with parents on it, each parent hosts a table at the front of the room, with their own family and friends around them. Both tables should be the same distance from the couple and equally visible during the speeches. Neither should look like the "second" table.

This is often the most comfortable option. Each parent spends the meal with people they enjoy, and nobody has to make polite conversation with an ex for three hours.

Option 3: a sweetheart table

With just the two of you at the front, the question of which parent sits where at the top table disappears. Parents then host tables nearby, as in option 2.

Step-parents and new partners

A parent's partner should sit with them. Leaving a step-parent at another table to keep the peace usually causes more upset than it avoids. If one parent strongly objects to the other's partner, that's a good reason to choose option 2 or 3 rather than a shared top table.

If a step-parent raised you, it's reasonable to give them the same standing as a parent. Talk to everyone involved first.

Keeping people apart

Beyond parents, there may be other family members who shouldn't share a table: grandparents on different sides, siblings who've fallen out. Put these pairs at different tables, ideally not directly facing each other, and keep them in different parts of the room for photos.

In Seats Plan you can add a keep-apart rule for each pair. If they end up at the same table, the plan shows the clash in red, and Auto-arrange will never seat them together.

On the day

Brief your ushers or the venue coordinator. If two people do find themselves next to each other at the drinks reception, someone can steer one of them gently towards the photographer or the bar. Small things help: give each parent a job, such as a reading or showing guests to the table plan, so they each have a clear and visible role.

If a parent has died

If a parent has died, their empty place at the top table can feel very visible. Some couples leave a seat with a flower or a photo, some mark them in a reading or the speeches, and some simply arrange the table so the gap isn't noticeable. There's no right answer. Talk to your surviving parent and siblings about what feels right to them.

Photos and speeches

The seating plan isn't the only place separated parents meet. Plan the group photos so parents who don't get on aren't asked to stand side by side, and give your photographer a short list of the groups you want. If both parents are giving speeches, agree the order in advance so neither feels they're an afterthought.

Grandparents and wider family

Separation often affects the wider family too. Grandparents on one side may not be comfortable with the other side, or with a new partner. Treat them the way you treat parents: give them good seats near the front, with people they enjoy, and talk to them before the day.

The one thing to avoid

Don't let anyone find out where they're sitting from the printed table plan. A short phone call a week before the day, telling each parent who they'll be with, prevents the most common upset.