Top table order: traditional, modern and same-sex couples

The top table is where most of the etiquette questions sit, and where people are most likely to notice who's where. Here's the traditional layout, why it works the way it does, and the alternatives.

The traditional order

The traditional British top table is a single long table facing the room, with everyone on one side. Reading from left to right as the guests look at it:

1. Chief bridesmaid
2. Groom's father
3. Bride's mother
4. Groom
5. Bride
6. Bride's father
7. Groom's mother
8. Best man

The couple sit in the middle. Each parent sits next to someone from the other family, so the families mix rather than staying on their own side. The best man and chief bridesmaid sit at either end, which makes it easy for them to get up for speeches.

Common changes

Very few top tables now follow the traditional order exactly. Common changes include:

• Partners of the best man and bridesmaids. They are often left off the traditional table, which means people spend the meal apart from their partner. Many couples add them, or move the best man and chief bridesmaid to a table with their partners.
• Step-parents. If a parent has remarried, their partner usually sits beside them.
• Grandparents. Some couples bring a grandparent onto the top table, especially if they're giving a reading or a speech.
• Siblings. Brothers and sisters who aren't in the wedding party can join instead of, or as well as, the best man and chief bridesmaid.

Same-sex couples

There's no fixed rule, so you choose. A simple approach is to keep the shape of the traditional order: the two of you in the middle, each parent next to someone from the other family, and your two closest friends or attendants at the ends.

If you each have a best person or a maid or man of honour, put one at each end. If parents are seated on "your side" and "their side" in the traditional table, it can be friendlier to mix them so neither family is clustered at one end.

Alternatives to a top table

Some couples skip the long top table altogether:

• A sweetheart table. Just the two of you, at a small table at the front. Parents and the wedding party host their own tables nearby. This is useful when parents are separated, or when the wedding party is large.
• A family table. A round table at the front with the couple and both sets of parents, which is easier for conversation than a long row.
• A king's table. One long table down the middle of the room with the couple at the centre and guests along both sides.

Each of these changes the speeches a little, since speakers may be at different tables. Tell your venue so they can place a microphone sensibly.

When the traditional order won't work

If parents are divorced, don't get on, or one has died, the traditional order can put people in an awkward spot. Our guide to seating divorced or separated parents goes through the options. The short version: decide what feels fair, talk to the people involved before the day, and don't let the etiquette book decide for you.

Speeches and the microphone

Whoever gives a speech usually stands at their place, so speakers at the ends of the top table is a practical choice as well as a traditional one. If your speakers are spread across different tables, tell the venue so they can bring a roaming microphone or set up a lectern near the front.

The shape of the room

Check the top table fits the room. A traditional top table of eight is about 5 m long. In a narrow room it may be better as a round family table, or as a shorter top table with the parents hosting tables nearby. Your venue will know what works in their space.

Children of the couple

If you have children, they can sit on the top table with you, or at a family table at the front with a relative looking after them. Older children often enjoy being on the top table. Younger ones may be happier at a table where they can get up and move around during the speeches.

Planning it in Seats Plan

In Seats Plan the top table is a table shape of its own, with everyone on one side facing the room. Put your wedding party in a group marked "top table first" and Auto-arrange will seat them there before anyone else, then fill the rest of the room around them. You can still drag anyone into a different seat afterwards.